LEARNING FROM A PIG

“Judge me all you want, just keep the verdict to yourself,” Wiston said that in a Wiston advertisement. What he said is like Henry Louis Gates Jr.’s experience in his essay “What’s in a Name?” Henry Louis Gates Jr. retells an incident that occurs in his father life and it is about how his father has been discriminated by Mr. Wilson but his father did not speak up. May be he did not speak up because he only cared to know that his family and he were also human being. He knew that simple thing that he said or did would change everything there except Mr. Wilson’s view point about Gates’ family because they are different.  Even though I never have been discriminated by the other, I also have an experience in junior high school likes Gates’ father in which I have been mock by the others. At that time I could speak up but I chose not to. As I look back at the mocking incident that I felt, I realized that I had not enough confidence to be who I really am.

In my junior high school, my friends and I were walking in our school yard, taking my time to relax from my duty at school in studying mathematic.  The school yard was very beautiful and clean. In my school yard, I saw Toby was talking with his friends. Toby was my ex-boyfriend who still loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. At that time, I already had Dedy Dipajaya as mine. I knew that he still waited for me to be his girlfriend. After walking in my school yard for several minutes, I realized that Toby was staring at me. I saw one of his friends whispering at him and I did not know what they were talking about. The condition in school yard which was hot turns in to cold. I could not restrain my self for not being so nervous because of Toby eyes. His eyes were very terrifying.

I was approached by Toby. Suddenly He said something that hurt me so much. He told me that I was so fat and I looked like a pig. He did not like me who was very fat at that time. I did not know how could he say something like that. Being mocked made me very shock and silent for a moment. Some words that came out from his mouth had deep meaning for me. It was not just words but it felt like some knives shooting my heart. A word “pig” ruined my self confidence.  I was trying to forget it and walking to my class without caring about him with my friends, but it did not work.

My friends asked me how could Toby say something terrible like that and I answered by freezing my body. Surprisingly, the word “pig” always had a place in my heart that hurt me so much. It could not be forgotten directly like I could forget about mathematic lesson as soon as possible after finishing that course. I always asked my self, am I as fat as Pig? It seemed unfair that I was so fat like a pig in Toby opinion but I did not realize that I was fat. Sometimes I really wanted to tell Toby that I was not as fat as pig but I quickly rejected that idea. I was so stressed and I could not eat anything because I did not have any passion to eat something for my body. I always had power to think about pig even I forced not to do it. Being mocked by the other was not a new thing in my life but a simple word “pig” from Toby could decrease my confidence easily. In my head, a pig was something about fat, ugly, and so dirty. I could not imagine, if I were a pig what we called someone who is bigger than me?  As far as I concerned, I had no choice. I felt disappointed because the word pig from Toby could damage me immediately.

Now that I am in collage, however, I see the situation differently. I can not believe that I have ever had a problem with Toby about being mocked. What is the problem of being mocked?  If Toby never told me that I was like a pig, I would not change my self, my confidence, and also my body. For example, what will happen if I never realize that I am fat? Can I be so confidence like today? The answers of these questions give me a sense of having a strong confidence. If confronted with the same situation today, I know I would speak out that being fat is not a mistake and I do not have to decrease my confidence of being so fat.

Toby is now an eight semester student at Udayana University. I feel amazed that I am not speaking out because of being mocked by him. I realize if I speak out about what I feel, I can also hurt his heart by mocking the negative side of his life. The worst that would happen to Toby is that he would be so shy because he had mocked a girl like a chicken and I will break our relationship as friend.  As you know real man never mocks a girl. That knowledge would help him in appreciating a girl in a good way later on.

Interestingly, Toby and I are no longer very close. Whenever I see him, I have the same reaction Gates’ father had when he had been discriminated by Mr. Wilson that they would change Wilson’s view point or white American about Gates’ family because they are different.